He stood by the door,
with sweating hands.
He opened the chamber door,
and fell silent once more.
He saw it move,
and wondered if the monster would disapprove.
He placed his foot in,
and snatched his things,
ran to his friends;
to shout,
tell about the deceiver:
"He lied about the demon",
he cried out.
"It was not crimson,
nor a menace,
it was an old cat,
that slept,
on the mat."
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Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
DUDE, CHILL!!!
My corrections are in bold-
He stood by the door,
with sweating hands.
He entered the room/chamber (chamber sounds more gothic)?,
and fell silent once more.
He saw it move,
the foul demon that lurked.
He placed his foot in,
and snatched his things,
ran to his friends;
to shout,
about the deceiver:
"He lied about the demon",
he cried? out.
"It was not crimson,
nor a menace,
it was the/an old cat,
that slept,
on the mat."
I think that after not using a rhyming scheme for so long that it sounds awkward using it at the end. This is a cool poem with an awesome plot line. Just make the ending more effective. And the repetitive usage of door at the beginning didn't sound right.
Dude that was really short
WHY DO YOU PEOPLE WRITE SHORT STORYS AND POEMS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
DAMN IT. WHEN WILL EVER LEARN WRITERS????????????????????????????
sorry.....
Anzius you should stop writeing short writings.
They are not usually good. I like all your other poems and songs except when you write short ones. Come on you can do better then that.
Firstly, cool!
This was really good and i especially loved the beginning. it inticed the reader in which is always good.
I think you just need to work on rhythm and thereefore punctuation.
like i said, the beginning is especially good and i particuarly like the bit that reads...
'He stood by the door,
with sweating hands,
he opened the door,
he fell silent once more,
he saw it move,
the demon that lurked,'
because its very in time and consistent. From that stage i think you need to be a bit more careful with punctuation because it suddenly got very fast.
commas are very easy but are also very effective.
good luck and keep up the good work!
Very nice idea... The poem is very alert and it finishes very quick.
The verbs, rhymes are fine but i would suggest the punctuation to be changes as the person above said.
Aswell more words in the verses would be nice. A adjective for the cat, for the demon.
In the rest its all fine. I would really like to see more of your poems so start working at them .
PM me and i`ll take my time to review them.
Thanx for the crits. Kiitti
Moi
Okei, mä nyt kirjotan kuitenkin in english, että muutkin tajuaa
Okay, so I think you should rethink about the punctuation. As you can see, it's all just one, long sentence. What if you'd ditch some of the commas and replace them with periods? You might also want to capitalize the first letters in those dialogue bits. If you don't already know, the people in YWS are capitalization freaks. No offense, anyone!
Like this:
"He stood by the door
with sweating hands.
He opened the door,
he fell silent once more.
He saw it move,
the demon that lurked.
He placed his foot in,
snatched his things,
ran to his friends
to shout
about the deceiver.
"He lied about the demon",
he let out
"It was not crimson
nor a menace.
It was a cat
that slept
on the mat."
I made the changes that I think you should do as well, so the poem could be more reader-friendly. Other than that, I think it has a cool, interesting vibe. You should keep writing!
Nähdään!
Demeter xxx